Insert Clever Title Here

I realized recently that my posts have become nothing more than whines/advice-begging sessions, and MAN. For my non-parent friends, these must be BO-RING. So here is some non-baby related news:
-I ran yesterday, and it was AWESOME. Awesome, awesome, awesome. I felt more human while running than I had for almost a year. I guess last August was the last time I ran with any regularity. I know I took a few runs in September, but I started the meds for my IVF cycle in early September, and the Lup.ron had me so wonky, I didn't feel much like running for the first few weeks of the month. I know that sometime around my birthday (late September) was the last time I ran, so yesterday's session was a long-awaited return to one of my favorite activities.

I set out with the intention to restart the Couch to 5K program that I used to start running in the first place (step one: run one minute followed by one and a half minutes of walking for 20 minutes), but after running 60 seconds, I didn't want to stop. So I kept going. aI ended up running 15 minutes, walking 2.5 minutes, then running another 2.5 minutes, with appopriate warm-up/cool-down walking as well.

And well. It was great. My mile time sucked (11:35 per mile), but since I didn't even expect to run a mile at all, I'm okay with that (for now). I have no intention of returning to athletic glory (hah. that would imply that I was ever a glorious athlete, natch), but rather to burn off the incredible stress of parenting twins.

If I haven't said it in a while, IT'S HARD. IT'S REALLY FRICKIN' HARD. (I have a delicately worded post regarding elective single embryo transfer rolling around in my head, but I haven't yet figured out exactly how to say what I want to say, knowing that nothing we place on line is private in any way, and knowing how I would hate for either of my boys to read it some day and feel that I had in any way regretted their existence. That part is not true. Both boys are little gems, priceless little beams of brightness in my life and I couldn't imagine my world without either of them. BUT. It's hard. And I'm very lucky to be able to stay home with them, and to have had a ton of child care experience in my past, not to mention having the luck of having had a full-term pregnancy, but I can't imagine what it would be like for someone who wasn't sure what they were getting in to, or who had to do it while balancing a career, too, or who had seriously preterm babies, or who had a husband-- or other family-- who was less than helpful. So. Yeah. Hard.)

--Sadly, I can't think of much else to say about my life as of late that does not somehow involve the boys. I'm sorry to my readers who (rightfully) find the baby talk boring. Someday, I'll be able to talk about something else, I'm sure.

Oh, actually, I know! I'm reading a book about the Mayflower voyage (appropriately titled, Mayflower). It's not usually my topic of choice, though most non-fiction is appealing to me lately, I suppose, but my mom left it here for me because she didn't want to try to squeeze it in with all her other crap in the car on the way home. Anyway, I've been reading it in fits and starts while nursing, which explains why it's been a couple of weeks since I began it and I'm only 100 or so pages in... Anyhow, it's surprisingly good. Or I'm appallingly out of touch with what good is anymore, pleased to just have the time to read something not related to child development... Anyway, it's interesting. I didn't know, for instance, that the religious community that comprised half of the Mayflower's passengers, while English, actually were located in Leiden (in the Netherlands, that part I knew, just not the city...) before hopping on the ship for their trans-Atlantic journey. Of course, that city is only of interest to me, because I know someone who just spent some time living in that city (Hi, R!), so I understand if that factoid isn't of interest at all to anyone else...


And now, that is truly all I can think to say that doesn't directly involve the babies...


So on to baby news:

-The boys had their two month check a couple of weeks early, because they needed to be seen for follow-up on the reflux issue. J.ack seems to be doing okay on th Zan.tac, but Henr.y will be doing a trial of the Pr.evacid, in spite of it's ridiculously high cost. We just have to try something else, in hopes that it works. I really like their pediatrician, but I'm beginning to wonder if there might not be an allergy or food sensitivity at play here as well, because in addition to his strictly-reflux-esque symptoms, he also projectile vomits and has extremely painful gas/bowel movements. Sigh. How I wish he could talk and tell me what the problem is...

-They got their two month shots today, even though they are just a hair under seven weeks old. I was a little concerned about the number of shots given in one day, especially because they are on the small side for their age and they are also 2-3 weeks younger than the schedule accounts for. But, both babies seem fine for now. A little sleepier than usual, but after our night last night, it could be just because they didn't sleep so well.

-Speaking of sleeping, our night routine generally works out okay for us, but their daytime nap schedule SUCKS. I have a couple of different books that address infant care/sleep patterns (No-Cry Sleep Solution, Dr. Sears, Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Twins, Happiest Baby On The Block, Babywise, etc.), and they run the gamut from 'You Are A Selfish Turd Because You Want To Sleep And You Should Never Have Had Children In The First Place If You Weren't Prepared To Constantly, Endlessly Put Their Needs Before Your Own For The Rest Of Your Life' to 'You Are A Pansy-Ass Who Is Turning Your Child Into A Wimp By Coddling Them With All Your Pansy-Ass Attention'. And frankly, neither of those approaches seems right for us.

Pre-birth, I would have firmly placed myself in the Cry-It-Out camp. Logically, that method makes the most sense-- help your child by allowing them to learn the skills to sort it out themselves. Help them become emotionally healthy by learning a little self-reliance. And I know plenty of healthy, happy, calm, well-attached children whose parents used the cry-and-check methods to sleep-train them. It works beautifully for plenty of people.

Naturally, as with all things, you kind of have to live it before you know what will seem right for you. Pre-birth, I would have considered myself a million miles away from attachment parenting. And I'm not anywhere near that now (I'd be curious how one would manage to successfully by-the-book attachment parent twins...), but I find that I have the strongest gutteral reactions to methods that sounded so right, pre-birth. I read some of these methods, and every cell in my body screams about how wrong it seems for us. For instance, the book that so generously allows a newborn one whole week of on-demand feeding, before expecting that wussy little crybaby grow the eff up and eat on a schedule already? As I said, that may work beautifully for many people, but it doesn't feel right for me.

And then, there's the book that relied on outdated studies that indicate all the DEATH you invite by co-sleeping (what with all the thousands of years of people co-sleeping, it's a wonder our species survived at all if you believe the studies they cited for their statistics). Not to mention, of course, the whiny, clingy, emotionally-stunted, non-independent children you create by allowing co-sleeping. Granted, I was equally as put off by the notion in one book claiming that fathers can't co-sleep with their children because only the precious, sacrosanct Mommy has the "instinct" to keep her from smothering her child. It may be that mothers are some percentage more "in tune" with their babies, but ANY human capable of keeping themselves from rolling out of bed at night who has the slightest interest in the welfare of the child can keep himself in tune enough to protect a baby overnight.

So yeah. Point is, you don't know what will work for you until you live it. I can't say I'm strictly in one camp or the other. I know that instinctually, it feels right to me to co-sleep with the babies. It feels right to breastfeed as long as the relationship works for us. It feels right to keep the babies close as often as is feasible. It feels right to foster dependence (I think shinejil wrote about it before, but seriously. What's so great about independence? They're BABIES. They're supposed to need you. I waited a long time and went through some very unpleasant things to bring these babies into the world, and I'm supposed to convince them to act like tiny adults from birth? Just doesn't jive with me somehow.).


Anyway, my advice here is for anyone considering becoming a parent to withold judgement on these methods until you are in possession of a baby. Read them, research them, etc., but try to not judge until you are living it. And don't let anyone else tell you how things should or shouldn't be. If it doesn't seem right to you to breastfeed for three years, don't let your hippie-friend make you feel guilty for giving up earlier than that. And don't let your aunt/grandma/MIL/whomever convince you that extended screaming is "good" for your baby, if that doesn't seem right to you.

Anyway, it seems the boys are moving on from the "sleepy" post-immunization phase to the "fussy" post-immunization phase, so I should wrap this up. Any books I should not miss that might be good for reading in bits and pieces? Any advice for laying the foundation for a decent naptime routine?

DUUUH.

So, if you believe the current research going around these days, you might think it was a good thing to, oh, pay attention to your baby... Sorry, I'm just mildly appalled that we had to do research to prove that paying attention/giving affection to one's child has a proportionally positive effect on their mental health, even well into adulthood. So, in case you needed an excuse to throw a little extra attention and affection your kid's way, this report says you should.

In other "duh" news (this section could alternately be titled, 'Wherein She Wins The Most Observant Mother Of The Year Award'), as I was sweeping chunks of curdled milk vomit out of Ja.ck's mouth last night, I noticed there were some small patches inside his cheeks near the corners of his mouth that weren't wiping off...

THRUUUUUUUSH. Gah. GRR. GRRRRRRRRR!

So yeah. Suddenly, the need to nurse every hour started to make sense. Very likely, the hunger indicators (gnawing on fist/fingers, fussing, rooting) were in fact 'Hey, Mama, My Mouth Hurts' indicators. I have no idea how long it's been since the thrush came back, but I'm guessing some time about 4 or so days ago, when the fussiness started. In all fairness, the boys both have chunky vomit often enough that it's hard to notice an unmoving white patch on the side of their cheek, because there are always white patches all over their mouths.

Luckily, we have plenty of medication to go around again, and unlike their reflux medicine, they actually like the nasty, sticky-sweet, neon yellow, banana-flavored goo that is used to treat the thrush. I, personally, don't really care for the funky-scented cream-goo used to treat my nipples, but so be it. Thrush. Round two. Here we go again.

Also, yesterday at 7:30 p.m., when I finally quit nursing the boys (that particular session started at around noon), I made the executive decision that it wasn't doing any of us any favors to keep up with the once-an-hour pattern. The boys were both hungry and frustrated, because I was literally tapped dry, and while they were getting a little something, they weren't getting enough to fill up. So, we gave them formula, and they each took about two ounces, and my poor, beleagured nipples got a rest. It seemed to trigger some sort of reset button, because since then, they've tuck to an every 2-3 hour schedule (including a 4 hour stretch last night! Yippie!). We'll see if it sticks...

And, additionally, in the whole 'sleep begets sleep' realm, they've been pleasantly napping today, first at the doctor's office while I waited for my appointment, and then again after nursing just before 11 a.m. (and miracle of miracles, after some serious work, they actually napped while laying down on the bed! Granted, I was laying next to them, curled around them with my hands on each of them, and it was a fitful sleep, but for 45 minutes, they napped somewhere besides ON me...). They woke up to nurse at just before 1:00 p.m., and now, they're asleep again (though this time, back on my lap on the nursing pillow... baby steps...).

Anyway, being home alone with them is hard, but bit by bit, I am figuring things out. It's slow-going, but there is small progress being made.

In other news, I have been given the all-clear to return to full activity! I may bribe H by saying that certain married-people-activities are much more enjoyable when one has had the chance to relieve some stress with a little treadmill-time. We'll see whether I have the time or energy to run once he's home from work, but boy, could I use it right now...

And I know I haven't said it enough, but thank you. Seriously, thank you all so much for all of the advice and input. I'm still (at points) stabbing in the dark with this whole parenting thing and reading about how you all have managed to survive things is SO helpful. Really. Even if I don't end up doing things the way you've suggested, just reading about different perspectives helps me to figure out how I want to go about solving various issues. So, keep the advice coming. It is always, ALWAYS appreciated.

Question And Answer Style

I am a lazy, preoccupied lady, and thus, I haven't responded to several questions that have been asked of me in the comment section. Of course, it's also the fact that I've been forgetful lately, too. I mean to write an email, but forget about 2 minutes after the thought crosses my mind. So if the opportunity doesn't instantly present itself to complete a task, it may be hours or days (or never) before it gets done.

So:

--Are the boys identical?

Highly doubtful. They look very different-- He.nry is fair-skinned and fair-haired, with wide-set eyes that grow increasingly blue by the day. He is also our little chunk-chunk, dense and round, with a head not unlike his father's (giant, because of the giant brain, right?). Jac.k is a little darker in skin tone (still fair but with an olive undertone) with dark brown hair. His eyes are getting greyer by the day, but it's uncertain where they will end up, color-wise. He is long and thin-- a little longer than his brother, but weighs a pound less--, though his face is finally filling out a little.

Personality-wise (in so much as there is personality at this point), Ja.ck seems to be a fretter, constantly in a state of readiness to get upset about the slightest thing, but only getting truly hysterical when he is ignored (bad Mama peeing in the toilet in the next room instead of wearing adult diapers so she NEVER LEAVES MY SIDE...). Henr.y, on the other hand, is fairly calm, occasionally having screaming fits prompted, one can only guess, by a change in the music of the spheres. Seriously, kid is smiling, then SCREAAAAAAAAMS, and then goes right back to smiling.


So yeah. Probably not identical.

--What is the awesome swing you have?

This is it. I got it because it is supposed to have a great battery life. In retrospect, I would have instead registered for two small travel swings, I think, but this is nice to have none the less. It's very soft and squishy-comfy, which probably appeals to me more than the boys, but maybe they like it, too. Who knows? It honestly doesn't get much use now because it's huge and the only place there's room for it is in the playroom, and our life right now is spent mostly camped in our bed, or out and about.

--What is the breastfeeding pillow you mentioned?

The EZ 2 Nurse Twins nursing pillow (um, this one...). It's a giant, firm, horseshoe-shaped cushion that holds the babies at boob-level when rested on your lap. The fabrics in which the pillow is currently available appear to have been chosen by Michelle Duggar (which is fine... nothing wrong with Mrs. Duggar, but her taste in fabrics is probably different than mine...), but since this is a nursing pillow, it's not like you're going to be wearing it on the streets of Milan, being judged by the world's fashionistas. More likely (if your experience is like mine) it will quickly be covered by breast milk (both straight from the boob AND in various stages of digestion from the babies' mouths), pee, sweat (MAN, it's been so frickin' hot and humid lately...), possibly some poo, and drips and drops of whatever food or drink you have time to cram into your mouth in those precious moments when they're both occupied and not wailing. Thank goodness the covers are washable...

But yes. Indispensable in my efforts to tandem breast feed the boys.


Just a break here to ask why, if NC's state lottery is (like many other state lotteries) set up to benefit the education system, WHY is there any sort of financial crisis in the school system? I mean, I know it's a total joke that lotteries ever actually benefit schools as they say they will when they are set up (great way to get voter support for what amounts to a tax on the mathmatically-challenged), but during a time when the economy is in such a state that we can't afford to keep the teachers we have, why aren't the lottery proceeds making up that difference?


--Why don't you use formula to supplement?

Um, here is where I have to sheepishly admit a few things:
1. I kinda do use formula already. Right now, that has only been in situations where I cannot nurse both at the same time, like when we're out at a restaurant, and they both get suddenly, screamingly hungry. I am a rock star at times, but I cannot tandem nurse twins in public yet.

And on occasion (maybe 2-3 times so far) when I am at my wits end, and have been nursing the babies non-stop for hours on end with only occasional 10-15 minute breaks, I pass off whichever is the most starving baby to H so that he can feed him a bottle of formula.

See, I don't really subscribe to the idea that formula is tantamount to poison, nor do I think that formula is some slippery slope that leads to instantaneous weaning from lack of supply. I also don't think that formula is particularly convenient (I hate washing dishes, and bottles, with all their annoying little parts, are particularly irritating). But I do still think that breast milk is best, and if I can give it to them, I prefer to choose breast milk over formula. BUT when I don't have enough expressed breast milk to give in whatever circumstance, I see nothing wrong with giving formula. And I may pick a feeding to be done by H (with whatever expressed milk we have on hand OR formula, though with the feeding schedule we're on, there won't be much more expressed breast milk because there is simply no time to pump, nor any milk left after so rigorous a schedule) so that my nipples can have some time off to heal a little.

2. Here is where I also admit that the only time of day when they don't eat once an hour is overnight. They (blessedly) will usually go two hours between feedings with the occasional three hour stretch (and once, the other night, we had a FOUR hour stretch, though we paid for it the rest of the night with those once-an-hour feedings...). So, despite being torn apart during the day, I do, actually, get some rest overnight. I'm no Sleeping Beauty, but I cumulatively get about 6-7 hours a night, which is enough to keep me going through the crazy days.

Speaking of, how does one go about getting babies to sleep someplace besides on my lap? Night time is good-- we've got the co-sleeping situation figured out--, but during the day, they fall asleep being held (or against me on the nursing pillow), and will sleep for a few minutes once put down, but inevitably wake up screaming until they are held and/or fed again.

The every-hour thing has made it incredibly difficult to leave the house, but regardless, we will be all leaving the house tomorrow morning so that I can go to my six-week follow up OB appointment, at which point I will hopefully be cleared to return to normal activities. I know my libido's supposed to be in the toilet these days, but that is not the case. I'm supposed to be all pissy with my husband ((and at points, I am, as as he with me), but I'm really not. I have been really craving physical affection from him, and those moments are, sadly, few and far between. I don't just mean the chance to get jiggy with it, but more just the chance to hug, or kiss, or just hold each other's hand, etc. But yes, being given clearance to recommence the deed (doesn't Dooce have a post about that?) will be nice. And I also really can't wait to be given the clearance to run again. I'll be basically starting almost from scratch again, I know (hello, Couch To 5k Program! It's been a while, no?), but I'm ready to start again. Who knows when I'll find the time, but since it's my main form of stress relief, it is SO needed right now.

We will also all leave the house again on Friday morning to go to Book Babies at our local library (thanks, Serah, for the suggestion. Brilliant idea.). I don't think the boys will get much out of it, but it will be nice to have some sort of activity beyond sucking on my boobs for them to try.

Um, does anyone have advice on how to care for cloth diapers? I've looked at plenty of websites, and they have conflicting advice on how to wash, etc. I don't know if I'm using the right detergent, or whether I'm drying them wrong, or whatever, but the boys are finally getting big enough to use cloth on a regular basis, and so we are almost completely switched off of disposables, and I'd like to get in the habit of caring for the diapers in the right way.

Last, since I know this is the real reason you all stop by:


My men, Henr.y hides in the Ergo, while Ja.ck hangs on Papa's lap.


He.nry. Kiss, kiss, kiss. I love those cheeks!


Ja.ck will cut a bitch if he needs to... That's his typical hand pose, karate-hand. Man, he cracks me up!


The Squash Duo. Love, love, love.

More can be seen in the Flickr set, J.ack and H.enry.

Um, okay. I think that's all they'll give me time for today. Apparently even the boob can get boring eventually...

Bits Are All I Have Time For

-Mom is gone, and I am profoundly sad about it. I've gotten so used to having her around. Despite our past disagreements, she was really great while here. Sniping comments were at an all-time low, and she really was here to do what she could to help me care for the boys. I have to admit: I'm terrified to do it on my own when H goes back to work on Monday. Of course, it's not just her extra hands to help with the babies that I'll miss. I generally don't mind being on my own throughout the day, as I've been pretty much spending my days by myself for the better part of two years now (with the exception of school for an hour or two a day during the first nine months of that), but it's been nice to have someone stop by during the day, just for the chance to chat. We spent most every day while she was here running errands or going for lunch, or planning dinner. It's kind of lonely now. Sigh.

Anyway, tomorrow is the true test, I think. H is technically only gone for a half-day, but that's still 4 hours on my own with babies that may or may not be screamy (but probably screamy).

--That's the sad thing. They are super-screamy, but most of the time (unless it's hunger or reflux) as long as you can pick them up and hold them, bounce them, etc., they calm down fairly easily. But when there's two, there's very little you can do to calm both at once, and so what starts as a little fussing or slight crying turns into screams and wails and full-on fits because I cannot get to them fast enough or hold them forever, etc. Twin mom guilt is a serious thing. I get the idea that either of these boys would actually be quite delightful babies if they were born separately.

--Speaking of hunger, good GOD, they eat a lot. I mean, like, they keep going through days where they eat every hour on the hour (meaning that I start feeding at 10:00, finish at 10:30-ish, burp them, change them, and then, they scream for 15 minutes until I relent and feed them again. They appear to be gaining weight, and they have plenty of poopy and wets, so I'm pretty sure they're getting enough, but I really hope this ends soon. I hear that it's not uncommon to have phases like this, but it's killing me. It's making me want to stop breast feeding, because my nipples are pink and burny-feeling (though after a single, blessed 3 hour break, they no longer feel like that, so I know it's the frequency, and not a poor latch or anything like that), and I'm tired, and it's clear that they are STARVING all the time, and I start to resent them, and I hate that. I actually slammed the door to the bathroom this morning after being awoken for the third hour *just* after managing to fall back asleep, because He.nry had awoken AGAIN, demanding to be fed, and I was just at my wit's end. I seriously don't know what to do in these circumstances. If they are eating until the breast is empty (usually takes about 20 minutes, but I nurse them for as long as they want, which is usually 30 minutes)), how on EARTH can they be hungry again just a few minutes later? And how can that pattern hold ALL FRICKIN' DAY?

After a day or two like that, they seem to fall back into the pattern of eating every 2-3 hours (but usually more like every 2 hrs), but sadly, they choose different days to be like this, and since I'm attempting to keep them on similar schedules, I end up with a half asleep baby trying to nurse while his brother screams his fool head off because I can't whip out the boob fast enough.

--Along those lines, how in the world does one manage to nurse lying down? Books and websites throw it out as some sort of easy-peasy solution (instructions: lay down. nurse.), but I guess my nipples don't point the right direction, because unless I want to suffocate my babies, then I cannot figure out how to get mouth and nipple lined up in such a way as to allow a boy to eat.

--um, yeah. Post ends as usual, with one-handed typing while both babies scream... yes, it is as pleasant as it sounds...

Bits and Pieces

--Strawberry fruit bars are good. So are lime fruit bars.

--My boys are officially TOTAL fussers. They are rarely awake and content. Maybe this is normal, but today, I got my first 1/2 hour taste of complete meltdown mode while on my own (Mom was late coming over), and I honestly don't know how I'm going to handle it. How do you do it? I mean, seriously: Logistically, how is it done? If you have two children who SCREAMSCREAMSCREAM if they aren't being held or fed, how do you make it through the day? I get the idea that mine are going to be porkers, because I'll just shove a boob in their mouth to make them stop screaming...

--Newest nicknames for the boys are Barfy and Bang Bang (He.nry's our big barfer, and J.ack likes to slam his head into our chests when frustrated, i.e. ALL THE FRICKIN' TIME). I expect this to be the name of their first garage band.

--My mom bought me a massage, and I spent the entire time worrying about whether or not I was going to be able to relax enough to enjoy it. Yes, I spent a full hour being rubbed and pummeled and all I could do was fret over whether or not I was going to be able to relax. Stupid. However, when I got home, the boys stayed asleep in their car seats for 30-45 minutes, and those were the most productive 45 minutes I've had in forever. I got laundry sorted, and I fixed our wireless internet, and hooked up our new printer (went to get printer cartridges, and found that it would cost almost $70 to get new ones for the old printer OR it would cost $25.50 to buy the new version of our printer WITH cartridges... so we bought a new printer. Totally wasteful, but saved so dang much money it's absurd.) and got some cleaning done, too. WHY I didn't snooze is beyond me, but I think it almost felt better just to get some random chores done. WTF happened to me choosing chores over sleep? Sigh.

--We are considering getting an inflatable nursing pillow, because I cannot nurse without my special nursing pillow (again, MAJOR thanks, Tracy!), and I would like to possibly travel at some point. At what stage would I expect that a nursing pillow will no longer be as big of a benefit as it is right now? I mean, at what point will they start being a little more helpful in their participation in the nursing relationship? When would they likely be too big to keep using the nursing pillow? I ask only because I don't know if we will have a need to travel before then. Truthfully, we just need a second cover for the pillow we have, but I thought I might kill two birds with one stone and buy the travel pillow (so that I can wash the cover for the other pillow and still have a functioning pillow to use).

--Man, HOW is it possible to nurse twins without tandem nursing them? I would have completely given up nursing by now if I had to nurse one and then the other, especially as they generally get hungry at the same time. It's not the easiest thing to pick up on, and luckily, Jac.k is a champion feeder (Hen.ry's a little tougher to latch and stay latched), but it's almost become second nature to me to feed them at the same time.

--Henr.y is heading towards ten pounds (per bathroom scale-- (Me + He)-Me= something between 9.5 and 10 lbs). Jack is heading toward nine (between 8.5 and 9). My boys are getting so big! No wonder my back is killing me. Someday, I'll build the strength to hold them, I hope.

--I had more to say, but Screamer the Second just realized that I was not giving my full and undivided attention to him while he was sleeping, so we are again in full meltdown mode. Sigh. I know it gets better, but I just wonder when, and whether we'll make it that long.

One Month

For those playing along, for now, we have decided to split the difference with the cash we were given and get an inexpensive portable swing and to use some toward an Erg.o that Rachel found for us on NYC's craigslist. Our local craigslist isn't so great for higher-end items. You get plenty of used grac.o/fisher-price and/or winnie-the-p.ooh themed whatever (not that there is anything wrong with any of that-- I have plenty of it in my house right now) but you just won't find a lot of specialty items, and when you do, you often won't find that great of a deal on them. I found umpteen-million used exersaucer/jumper-type items, and so when the time comes that those things will be of use to us, I can probably find a used one (or two) for a fairly reasonable price.

And now, the real reason you stop by:



We are one month old today!

Holy McMoly. Somehow, I've managed to survive one month as the mother of twins. It's a flippin' miracle. And I've only broken down in frustrated tears once in the past week. Pretty good!

My mom is still here helping us, and today, her best friend arrived (my second mother) and so, now, we do have enough hands to really help. However, the arrival of Mom's friend means that her departure is imminent (part of the reason friend is here is to help Mom with the drive back home). And that SUCKS. It's not that I can't do it myself, but rather that without her here, there is no break for me, at least during the day. I just don't have any local friends. I really need to remedy that, but despite appearances to the contrary, I've actually become quite shy when meeting new people in person. So. Yeah. No real support system here. Mom will be missed, but I have been so lucky to have her as long as I did.

Sigh. How did you (or do you) go about meeting new people, especially meeting other mom-friend types? Who do you lean on for support?

State of Things, the Scream Edition

This post today is brought to you courtesy of the Miracle Blanket. I had half-heartedly tried a tight swaddle previously and had watched my boys lose their minds. But, at my wits end yesterday, I pulled out a couple of swaddle blankets I bought at a consignment sale, and lo and behold, both boys calmed down immediately.

I haven't really mentioned it, but I have a couple of screamers on my hands. They are on an antacid medication because they both barf up about half of what they eat, almost every time they eat, and combined with the screaming, the doctor suspected GERD. But so far, the medicine doesn't seem to be doing much to reduce either the barfing or the screaming. Granted, the are on a weak medication (a Zanta.c thing, I think) because the stronger stuff (infant Prilo.sec, I think) isn't covered by our pharmacy insurance and would cost $50 for a one month supply for one baby. And this ends up being one of those "Man, I feel guilty for having twins" thing, because for one baby, we might be able to swing that, but for two? I can't imagine adding $100 a month to our already tightened budget. I mean, if they really do have GERD, and that is the medicine that cures the problem, we would (of course) gladly add it to the budget. But I'm not entirely sure that is the problem. The barfing is a problem (sometimes it's overflow of undigested milk, sometimes it's mucous and milk, and sometimes, it's half-digested spit-up-style chunks-- most of the time, there's a progression of all three after a feeding), but mostly, the screaming, the apparent writhing in pain, the absolute inconsolable shrieking, and the insistence on eating often less than half an hour after finishing a long feeding-- those are the problems that I was hoping might be solved by the medicine. And considering that they aren't even really alleviated by the current medicine, I don't have a lot of faith that GERD is the real problem.

My aunt made a really generous gift of cash for the boys, and we are divided over what to buy. We have a swing that we love (and the boys love it), but it's HUGE, and we can't really move it from room-to-room, and I get really nervous having them in a room where I can't hear them (and moving the monitor here and there as needed is a pain, too). And of course, they both like it, so it would be great to have two of them, so I was thinking I might get a travel swing. But, I was also thinking that it would be nice to put that money toward a more structured carrier. Courtesy of friends (both internet-- hi, Alexicographer!-- and IRL-- hi, Charlotte!), I have a few different styles of slings. And J.ack LOVES the sling (especially the Baby K't.an), but sadly, I'm either not using them right, or I'm still weak from the pregnancy, because they kill my back. Granted, my back hurts pretty much all the time anyway, but wearing Ja.ck in a sling is more than my back can take right now. I got a less-expensive front carrier kind of thing, but H didn't like it (it was too complicated for him to use). I hear amazing things about the Erg.o carrier, but for PETE'S SAKE. The S.O.B. costs over $100! And that's not including the necessary infant insert doodad. I'm all for making that investment if it works, but my GOD. I just can't imagine spending that much on something that may or may not be of that much use to me. And of course, ultimately, I would need two of them, if we ever wanted to go anywhere without a stroller. Sigh. Yet another "if we only had one..." thing.

So, advice? What would you use the money for (it's around $100)? Maybe screw the baby crap and spend it going out to dinner with H? Save it for later? Fritter it away on Peanut M&Ms and root beer? Medicine? What would you do?

List Style, On The Quick...

A few quick notes:

1. The stroller is a Kolcraft Contours tandem stroller, with two infant seat attachments. Those seats are their car seats, only strapped to the stroller frame. It's not quite as intense as it looks, but it is RIDICULOUSLY heavy, even without the regular kid-sized seats attached. I can barely lift it by myself, and it takes up almost our entire trunk. BUT, it handles like a dream, so that's good, right? Eventually, we'll switch to an umbrella-type, but for now, it's great to be able to strap the car seats on and go.

2. I know, I know. You really only come here for the pictures...


Me, plus boys (Henr.y left, Jac.k right...) at a local state park. We drove the half-hour or so up there, got out, took 3-4 photos, and got back in the car. The heat is UN-FLIPPIN'-REAL right now. Yes, I'm from Tejas, where the heat is always un-flippin'-real, but after the absurd winter we had, the hundred-degree baloney is not okay. Seriously. Blech. I unshaded the boys for about 20 seconds, and freaked the whole time that I was boiling their little brains!

3. Most notable thing about the above photo???

PANTS. With BUTTONS. In my PRE-PREGNANCY size.

Granted, they were my "fat, bloaty, I-haven't-run-for-a-week" cut of pre-pregnancy-sized jeans, but still. The twin-mom-diet-plus-nursing is really great for losing weight. It's terrible for overall fitness levels, but all told, I gained 61.5 lbs during the pregnancy, and as of two weeks post-partum, I has lost 50 of it. Obviously, the remaining 11.5 lbs are most unflatteringly distributed, and all that running muscle is LONG gone, but yeah. I kinda want to go back to that bitchy first OB I had and give her the finger for trying to make me worry about weight gain. Clearly, I gained exactly what I needed to in order to have healthy, full-term twins. And while I'm not out of the woods yet, I am not anywhere near as far as I feared I might be after that kind of weight gain.

4. Lastly, for those of you that had a caesarian birth, how long before you were "allowed" to return to normal activity levels? I hear anywhere from two to six weeks. My OB doesn't do follow-up with his patients until the six week mark, but honestly, I am SUPER eager to get back to the treadmill, if not for fitness, then for sanity. And yeah, I'd love to have sex again, too. But, I'm still kind of worried that it's too early. Also, how long should one expect to be all gross and oozy in the nether-region? I'm getting really sick of the random bursts of goo, and it's starting to feel like it's been a little too long. All the information that they gave me when I left the hospital says things like "normal for 7 to 10 days" and it's been over three weeks. Oh, and while my feet are no longer swollen, my hands are horribly swollen, and the carpal-tunnel/weird thumb thing hasn't gone away and has actually gotten 1000x worse, like I can't lift a baby without my wrists screaming in pain. Anyone know anything about this? Or anyone have experience with thrush? How long should I expect my nipples to feel all stabby-pain-on-fire-kill-me-now after I start treatment? Or is this a problem with the boys' latch, because it doesn't hurt anywhere near as bad when I pump. Sigh. Any advice for me?

Yeah.

Anyhow, things continue to be pretty much okay. We're still figuring things out as we go along, and there are still things to work out, but just when I feel like I can't take anymore, the boys take pity on me and give me a three hour stretch of sleep, and I suddenly feel like maybe (just maybe) I might be able to wake up and do this again, for at least one more day. Sigh. I find myself feeling both jealousy and pity for people with singletons. It is seriously SO hard (though I wonder if trip or quad moms laugh when they hear twin moms say that...). It's not just twice as hard. It's 3, 4 or 5 times as hard, because you just don't have the energy or ability to meet the needs of both babies, and that is torture to a new mother, to barely be able to satisfy one baby, and to have to sit and listen while the other screams and screams and screams and to know that you just can't do anything about it. Feh. But yeah. Getting to see two babies smile in their sleep is delightful, and I'm so glad that I get to experience that part of it.

And now, the fussing begins again...

No time for titles...

So, what happens when you have twins is that you write really great posts about things like thrush (SCREW YOU, THRUSH...), or coping with the difficulties of two-at-once, or various other things that occur to you in the early days of parenthood-- only you write them in your head. Or if you do manage to type them out, you don't get a chance to finish them, and you forget and spend three days wondering why no one is responding to your post (is nipple-yeast really that offensive?).

And then you look up and the post you started earlier has been sitting there for three hours while you rock and feed and soothe one screaming baby after another.

The walls start to close in after a while.

Which is why I've been trying desperately to get out of the house at least once a day, even if it's just to drive through Starbucks. And it helps. I fully recognize that life is totally different with babies, but I just cannot stand feeling paralyzed by having infants at home. And I don't think I need to either. I think it's important to get out, especially right now, while they are relatively portable. Even though I'm guided by the at-most-three-hour increments between breast feed times (I'm not yet adept enough to BF twins in public...), I still try to get out anyway.

And so, here was our "big" outing for Independence Day:



A walk in the park, which they both slept through...


And, it's feeding time again...

Again?

Yeah, so they slept (basically) through the night again (though I should clarify that "through the night" only means that they woke at appropriate times for feedings and went right back to sleep, rather than fussing on and off, etc.). It's becoming really clear that they (and we) sleep so much better all lumped together in the same bed. However, I do have to admit that I'm still working out the logistics of it, and that at times, I am worried about them, even though we keep the soft bedding away from them and the pillows out of their way, etc. (Bad mom admits it here, but) they have NEVER slept on their back. I put them down on their back, and check on them to find them on their side. I have never actually seen them roll, so I'm not sure how they do it (maybe they just get angry enough to spaz themselves into whatever the preferred position is...), but unless they are tightly swaddled and in a bouncy seat, OR they are in bed with us, they very rarely lay flat on their back. Not sure what to do about that.

Anyway, the co-sleeper thing arrived today. I'm not sure how it's going to work with twins but we're going to try it out and see. If it doesn't work, we'll just return it, I guess.

Ah. And now, it's bath time/feed time/sleep time for the boys...

I'll leave you with two pictures from our first shopping outing today:


Jack screams his fool head off...


while Henry sleeps.

What, What!

THEY SLEPT!! THEY SLEPT!!! I don't know what happened, but after a slight bout of fussiness at around 10 p.m., both boys zonked out and slept through till their appropriately timed feedings, after which they quietly zonked out again. I actually managed one or two extended stretches of sleep which has me feeling positively celebratory today.

And truly, I don't know what we did differently, other than the fact that we never even tried to put them into their bassinet, instead putting them to bed right next to us. I know there are strong opinions in both directions, and I may regret the decision to let them sleep in our bed six or eight months from now, but that will also be six to eight months during which I (and they) have hopefully slept well.

Sigh. I don't know-- I'm just feeling all of this out as we go along. There may come a time when I will want to use some expert plan or another, but for now, we're just figuring out bit by bit what works for us. The co-sleeper unit thingy arrives tomorrow, and we will see whether it works or not. We are also considering putting an extra mattress on the floor of our bedroom, so that I can sleep there with the boys one H goes back to work (so he can get a bit less disrupted sleep, but still be close by for times when I need help, and so the boys and I can spread out a bit). Again, we'll see what works for us.

Ah, and now, duty calls (in the form of doodie, courtesy of Sweet Jack... I love that he smiles in his sleep after he fills up his diaper... weirdo. And Henry has started this kind of whimpery noise after he sneezes: "ACHOO! *siiiiiigh*" Weird boys.). I really appreciate all of the advice, and will continue to consult all of it as we try various ways to make it through this surreal newborn time.

Ten Days

Ten days in, and I vacillate between feeling like things are chaotic-but-fine and feeling like I'm just not sure whether I'm going to survive all of this. It's a fine line between feeling pretty much okay and being one step away from checking myself into an institution (this postpartum hormone crash is no joke). Complicating things is the fact that my amazing husband is pathologically incapable of letting anything slide, and the arrival of the twins has seemed to cause him to fall further down the neatnik rabbit hole, to the point that earlier today, he was complaining about being tired, and since both boys were snoozing, I encouraged him to go rest, but he refused because he had to pick lint out of the living room rug... I mean, it seems stupid to complain about it. He does all of the chores-- washing dishes, taking out the trash, a good part of the laundry duties, etc., but he does so to his own detriment. I know how incredibly overwhelmed he is feeling, and I cannot seem to convince him to just let one or two things go, or to perhaps reschedule certain things that maybe don't have to happen during the daylight hours.

It's just been a real jolt to his system to not get a solid, undisturbed 8 hrs of sleep at night. I feel pretty okay (at least for now) because I seem to be able to get at least 2-3 hrs of undisturbed sleep, and last night, even managed a 4 hour stretch.

(Let me pause here and say that breast feeding twins is HARD. Like, really, really hard. Luckily, for now, the boys are still small enough that I can tandem breast feed them without too much trouble, but the bigger they get, the harder it will be to wrangle the little squirmers, which means it will take a long time to feed both of them. I'm handling it okay so far, but I fully recognize that at some point, I will very likely begin adding formula in to their diet. I'm pumping in an effort to build up supply, such that I can "supplement" with my own breast milk instead, but realistically, nursing newborn twins, and then pumping, and then storing the milk and then cleaning the pump parts, etc. is far more than I can handle most days, especially when right now the "reward" is just a couple of teaspoons of milk, at the most. Really, aside from whatever benefits breast milk offers, the reason I'm pushing so hard to stick with it is that formula is ridiculously expensive! I'm such a cheapskate sometimes!)

Anyhow, where was I? Oh, yeah. Four hour stretch... yeah. Actually, part of the reason I got four hours was because I was on death's doorstep, and my mom stayed the night so that she and H could handle taking care of Jack and Henry. I had a 102 degree fever, but the on-call nurse from the doctor's office seemed utterly unconcerned about it (actually, she was concerned, but she, like me, realistically knew that at 11:00 p.m., my only option for treatment/diagnosis was the emergency room, which is UNrealistic with infant twins to be cared for). So, the word was to take tylen.ol and watch the symptoms (didn't work), and then, progress to Ale.ve (which I generally avoid taking since it tears up my stomach). But, eventually, around 2:00 a.m., the Ale.ve finally kicked in, and my fever broke, and I sweated through my pajamas, and sheets, and mattress topper, and pillows, etc., and I've felt fine since. I have no idea what caused the raging fever (only symptoms were chills and a headache/slight back ache), but regardless, it's gone now, hopefully never to return.

Um, yeah. Sleeping... I never thought I would find it to be an attractive idea, but my GOSH, the boys sleep so. much. better. when they are in bed with H and I. I know all the pros and cons of co-sleeping, and honestly, I find the idea of the "family bed" to be, um, not right for me. BUT, dude. Everything changes with twins. We sleep better, they sleep better- I don't know why exactly, but even with the bassinet at the foot of our bed, it's too much of a pain to get up and deal with whatever slight thing is causing disruption to them. If the are in our bed, they don't even so much as flinch for hours at a time, snoozing so peacefully. Of course, with two in the bed, I worry about rolling over on them, or squishing them in some other way, or about their little faces squishing into the soft bedding. So, I ordered an in-bed co-sleeper doodad that will hopefully work for the twins for at least another month or two, or until they can sleep better in the bassinet. I worry constantly about them spitting up and gagging (especially Henr.y, who had several scary episodes while in the hospital, due to the fact that he coughed up, swallowed, then vomited insane amounts of mucous which he would then choke on, turning purple, etc.), and I know that they need to sleep on their backs, but they won't sleep on their backs in the bassinet, only in our bed. Oh, and it really does make a HUGE difference to put them to bed squished up next to each other, especially if we ever-so-slightly incline them to one side to face each other. That is truly the only way they will sleep in the bassinet (they snooze in their bouncers and definitely sleep fine in the arms of a grandmother, but we'd prefer at some point that they sleep somewhere normal!).

Er... I'm not sure why I just gave you a few hundred words on where my babies will or won't sleep. I'm just going to chalk it up to my lack-of-sleep obsessiveness and move on.

So, any advice about co-sleeping and/or getting infants into a more regular sleep place and/or time?

Ah, my boys. Despite all of the insanity, I just adore them. They are so different, and not just in their appearance (though their appearance is markedly different). Hen.ry is all curves-- round cheeks, a rosy complexion, wisps of cotton-fluff hair, squishable little melon-noggin (oh, man- conversations from the sleep deprived trenches... Kate (to Henry): "Hello, my little nugget!" H (groggily, after a solid ten second delay): "Why did you just call our son a maggot?" HAH. Fun, fun, fun.) He is impossibly difficult to latch on to the breast, fighting me every second, but eventually allowing me to lead him the right way. Stubborn, but so sweet. He fusses quite a bit, but is consoled fairly easily. And when he thinks about something, it's like you can read it over his entire face. Eyes, lips, nose, etc.-- everything works in concert to show what he's feeling (his current adorable trick is nursing in his sleep, which seems to please him to no end).



Ja.ck is all angles to Hen.ry's curves, and all darkness to Hen.ry's fair coloring. I can feel every bit of the one pound weight difference between he and his brother (J.ack was 6 lb 9 oz when he was born to Henr.y's 7 lb 13 oz). Weirdly, Ja.ck truly looks like the Fleu.ry side of the family from where he got his middle name. I missed getting the more angular eyes and the sharp upturned nose of my grandmother's family, but here it is, popping up on Jac.k's face. So weird, but so cool. He has my darker hair (so far), and the more olive complexion of that French-Cajun part of my family. He is an accomplished and eager nurser, almost never giving me any trouble latching on or eating long enough. He makes the most adorable face when he's ready to nurse, wide open fish mouth with nose all scrunched up. Ja.ck's expression is almost all in his eyes. When he is awake and calmly alert, he almost always looks like he's running intense calculations in his head, like he's got three hundred things to figure out before lunch (which I guess he kind of does, being new to this whole ex utero world...). He doesn't fuss as much as his brother, but MAN, when he gets going, it can be a real task to slow him down. He wants to suckle almost constantly, which isn't so bad, except that on occasion, I like to do things without having a baby attached to my breast! He is just precious, my little peanut.



So yes. There is so much more to say, but I should really try to sleep (I'm a little wired tonight for some reason. I just can't seem to settle down. Not good when I know there's a feeding on the way soon!).

If you've made it through the early days before, please tell me it gets better/easier (lie to me if you have to...), or at least share with me one or two things that made life better, or even in retrospect what you would have done differently, or what you would have appreciated more about these early days. Perspective is hard to come by sometimes! I know things will get better, but it's just hard sometimes...

Ch-ch-ch-changes

You might notice that things look a little different around here. And if you happen to have stopped by in the last couple of days, you may have found that you couldn't get into my blog without a password. This isn't because I suddenly decided that I hate my readers or that I have an immediate need for privacy in light of my new family additions (though I can now understand why so many blog friends have chosen to go password-protected after giving birth).

Someone, some malicious piece of shit, anonymously sent a link to one of my posts to a colleague of H's, wherein I, in a fit of pregnancy-induced ugliness, said some not-so-nice, and ultimately, not-so-accurate things about said colleague. This "someone" sent the link in such a way that it possibly could have gone to his entire department, though I'm not necessarily sure about that.

I don't know whether some random person was just reading through my archives and happened to find this post and somehow determine where H works, and put two-and-two together, and then choose to irrevocably hurt not just me, but also H and his (innocent) co-worker. It's possible. Or it's also possible that one of my regular readers managed to determine where H works and decided to share my blog with H's co-workers out of some sort of messed up need to hurt me (not so likely, but you can't be sure). But more likely is that someone I know in real life somehow found my blog and decided for some reason to cause me as much personal harm as possible at a time when I was otherwise (blissfully happy, but) stressed to the point of breaking by adjustment to being a first-time mother of twins. I have my suspicions about who that person could be, and she already has a special corner of hell reserved for her for all of the shitty, judgmental assholery. But most hurtful is that I don't know for sure who this person is, and thus, this space has been compromised.

I don't know what outcome this "someone" had in mind, whether it was just to hurt me, or to possibly hurt H, or to take away my sense of security and (relative) privacy I felt in being a part of this online community via my blog, but regardless, the actual outcome is that I don't know exactly what to do with this space. Do I password-protect? Begin blogging absurdly anonymously, lie about my identity, leave out important details, to protect my husband and children? Do I just start a new blog elsewhere and closely guard who is given the link?

Or do I just give this "someone" a giant FUCK YOU and just keep blogging here as I always have? (Oh, and if it hasn't been implied already, "Someone", if you are reading this, FUCK YOU, you malicious piece of shit.)

I don't know how to answer that just yet.

Bear with me while I make some adjustments. Meanwhile, my archives have been relocated to a password-protected space. I know how helpful it was for me to be able to read other people's stories when I was on the TTC roller coaster, and so I really didn't want to delete them altogether, but I needed to be able to find a way to keep any identifying information about myself that could possibly be contained in these posts from remaining public. Again, I don't know exactly what I will do, but after I have more time (what, 4 or 5 years from now? Maybe?), I will likely start moving some of the archives back to a public space.

For now, I leave up the last two posts as a reminder that even when humans prove to be the shittiest of creatures, throughout it all, and in spite of actions taken in an effort to prove otherwise, love fills us up, and spills over into every part of our lives, and overcomes even the worst kinds of meanness and spite and malice. These sweet boys remind me of this, even when they're wailing at 3:00 a.m. and I'm cross-eyed with exhaustion and confusion, and H is managing to sleep through it all (HOW does he do this???)-- They stop the insane crying for just long enough to stare at you, and you see that they know you, and they are somehow comforted by the fact that they do, and it kind of seems like nothing else really matters all that much.


He.nry

Jac.k

So yes. Changes coming. Bear with me just a bit longer as I sort this all out.

All you need is...

I swear there's a birth story coming at some point (though it isn't all that exciting-- walk in, get numb, take babies out, sew Kate up...), but for now, I just have to say that there's not much better than spending your day napping in bed with an adorable, sleep-heavy squeaking little dough-lump snuzzling on your chest. Except the fact that this one is yours to keep. And that later, you get to do the same thing, only with his brother. Sigh. I truly can't remember a time feeling this much happiness and love. I feel so incredibly lucky.

I can't honestly say I know a whole lot about what it's like to endure lengthy and tragic treatments and procedures, to be truly and utterly beaten down by infertility (again, we are so lucky to have been so quickly and accurately diagnosed the first time) but I can say that if I had any advice for my friends still in the trenches, it would be that based on feeling what I feel right now, it's all worth it. The years of not knowing and struggling to concieve without an RE, and then dealing with the appointments and scheduling and painful procedures and injections, the "what if"s and doubts and emotional fuckery-- all of it is nothing compared to this bliss. Perhaps I would feel differently if my treatment story had been longer or more wrought with intense tragedy and pain and disappointment and expense-- I don't know. But I do know that from this side of things, I would race back in time to tell my year-ago self (or two or three or seven-year-ago self) that this is THE BEST. The absolute best. And it is truly my biggest wish for all of my bloggy friends to find bliss lke this at the end of their journey (even if parenthood isn't your eventual end). It is just so much better and more amazing than I ever imagined it could be. And this happiness should belong to everyone.

Sigh. Let me stop myself before I begin singing Kum Bah Ya... Besides, The Beatles said all of this better than I ever could:
"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."

Love, love, love...

Yep, yep, yep!

They're here!

A million things to say, but right now, I am so absurdly, eye-crossingly tired that it'll have to wait until another time.

BUT, without delay, I wanted to share a picture of the two most adorable babies in the world:

Henry Schee.rer W. on the left, Jack Fle.ury on the right.

I'm in love already.