Again?

Yeah, so they slept (basically) through the night again (though I should clarify that "through the night" only means that they woke at appropriate times for feedings and went right back to sleep, rather than fussing on and off, etc.). It's becoming really clear that they (and we) sleep so much better all lumped together in the same bed. However, I do have to admit that I'm still working out the logistics of it, and that at times, I am worried about them, even though we keep the soft bedding away from them and the pillows out of their way, etc. (Bad mom admits it here, but) they have NEVER slept on their back. I put them down on their back, and check on them to find them on their side. I have never actually seen them roll, so I'm not sure how they do it (maybe they just get angry enough to spaz themselves into whatever the preferred position is...), but unless they are tightly swaddled and in a bouncy seat, OR they are in bed with us, they very rarely lay flat on their back. Not sure what to do about that.

Anyway, the co-sleeper thing arrived today. I'm not sure how it's going to work with twins but we're going to try it out and see. If it doesn't work, we'll just return it, I guess.

Ah. And now, it's bath time/feed time/sleep time for the boys...

I'll leave you with two pictures from our first shopping outing today:


Jack screams his fool head off...


while Henry sleeps.

What, What!

THEY SLEPT!! THEY SLEPT!!! I don't know what happened, but after a slight bout of fussiness at around 10 p.m., both boys zonked out and slept through till their appropriately timed feedings, after which they quietly zonked out again. I actually managed one or two extended stretches of sleep which has me feeling positively celebratory today.

And truly, I don't know what we did differently, other than the fact that we never even tried to put them into their bassinet, instead putting them to bed right next to us. I know there are strong opinions in both directions, and I may regret the decision to let them sleep in our bed six or eight months from now, but that will also be six to eight months during which I (and they) have hopefully slept well.

Sigh. I don't know-- I'm just feeling all of this out as we go along. There may come a time when I will want to use some expert plan or another, but for now, we're just figuring out bit by bit what works for us. The co-sleeper unit thingy arrives tomorrow, and we will see whether it works or not. We are also considering putting an extra mattress on the floor of our bedroom, so that I can sleep there with the boys one H goes back to work (so he can get a bit less disrupted sleep, but still be close by for times when I need help, and so the boys and I can spread out a bit). Again, we'll see what works for us.

Ah, and now, duty calls (in the form of doodie, courtesy of Sweet Jack... I love that he smiles in his sleep after he fills up his diaper... weirdo. And Henry has started this kind of whimpery noise after he sneezes: "ACHOO! *siiiiiigh*" Weird boys.). I really appreciate all of the advice, and will continue to consult all of it as we try various ways to make it through this surreal newborn time.

Ten Days

Ten days in, and I vacillate between feeling like things are chaotic-but-fine and feeling like I'm just not sure whether I'm going to survive all of this. It's a fine line between feeling pretty much okay and being one step away from checking myself into an institution (this postpartum hormone crash is no joke). Complicating things is the fact that my amazing husband is pathologically incapable of letting anything slide, and the arrival of the twins has seemed to cause him to fall further down the neatnik rabbit hole, to the point that earlier today, he was complaining about being tired, and since both boys were snoozing, I encouraged him to go rest, but he refused because he had to pick lint out of the living room rug... I mean, it seems stupid to complain about it. He does all of the chores-- washing dishes, taking out the trash, a good part of the laundry duties, etc., but he does so to his own detriment. I know how incredibly overwhelmed he is feeling, and I cannot seem to convince him to just let one or two things go, or to perhaps reschedule certain things that maybe don't have to happen during the daylight hours.

It's just been a real jolt to his system to not get a solid, undisturbed 8 hrs of sleep at night. I feel pretty okay (at least for now) because I seem to be able to get at least 2-3 hrs of undisturbed sleep, and last night, even managed a 4 hour stretch.

(Let me pause here and say that breast feeding twins is HARD. Like, really, really hard. Luckily, for now, the boys are still small enough that I can tandem breast feed them without too much trouble, but the bigger they get, the harder it will be to wrangle the little squirmers, which means it will take a long time to feed both of them. I'm handling it okay so far, but I fully recognize that at some point, I will very likely begin adding formula in to their diet. I'm pumping in an effort to build up supply, such that I can "supplement" with my own breast milk instead, but realistically, nursing newborn twins, and then pumping, and then storing the milk and then cleaning the pump parts, etc. is far more than I can handle most days, especially when right now the "reward" is just a couple of teaspoons of milk, at the most. Really, aside from whatever benefits breast milk offers, the reason I'm pushing so hard to stick with it is that formula is ridiculously expensive! I'm such a cheapskate sometimes!)

Anyhow, where was I? Oh, yeah. Four hour stretch... yeah. Actually, part of the reason I got four hours was because I was on death's doorstep, and my mom stayed the night so that she and H could handle taking care of Jack and Henry. I had a 102 degree fever, but the on-call nurse from the doctor's office seemed utterly unconcerned about it (actually, she was concerned, but she, like me, realistically knew that at 11:00 p.m., my only option for treatment/diagnosis was the emergency room, which is UNrealistic with infant twins to be cared for). So, the word was to take tylen.ol and watch the symptoms (didn't work), and then, progress to Ale.ve (which I generally avoid taking since it tears up my stomach). But, eventually, around 2:00 a.m., the Ale.ve finally kicked in, and my fever broke, and I sweated through my pajamas, and sheets, and mattress topper, and pillows, etc., and I've felt fine since. I have no idea what caused the raging fever (only symptoms were chills and a headache/slight back ache), but regardless, it's gone now, hopefully never to return.

Um, yeah. Sleeping... I never thought I would find it to be an attractive idea, but my GOSH, the boys sleep so. much. better. when they are in bed with H and I. I know all the pros and cons of co-sleeping, and honestly, I find the idea of the "family bed" to be, um, not right for me. BUT, dude. Everything changes with twins. We sleep better, they sleep better- I don't know why exactly, but even with the bassinet at the foot of our bed, it's too much of a pain to get up and deal with whatever slight thing is causing disruption to them. If the are in our bed, they don't even so much as flinch for hours at a time, snoozing so peacefully. Of course, with two in the bed, I worry about rolling over on them, or squishing them in some other way, or about their little faces squishing into the soft bedding. So, I ordered an in-bed co-sleeper doodad that will hopefully work for the twins for at least another month or two, or until they can sleep better in the bassinet. I worry constantly about them spitting up and gagging (especially Henr.y, who had several scary episodes while in the hospital, due to the fact that he coughed up, swallowed, then vomited insane amounts of mucous which he would then choke on, turning purple, etc.), and I know that they need to sleep on their backs, but they won't sleep on their backs in the bassinet, only in our bed. Oh, and it really does make a HUGE difference to put them to bed squished up next to each other, especially if we ever-so-slightly incline them to one side to face each other. That is truly the only way they will sleep in the bassinet (they snooze in their bouncers and definitely sleep fine in the arms of a grandmother, but we'd prefer at some point that they sleep somewhere normal!).

Er... I'm not sure why I just gave you a few hundred words on where my babies will or won't sleep. I'm just going to chalk it up to my lack-of-sleep obsessiveness and move on.

So, any advice about co-sleeping and/or getting infants into a more regular sleep place and/or time?

Ah, my boys. Despite all of the insanity, I just adore them. They are so different, and not just in their appearance (though their appearance is markedly different). Hen.ry is all curves-- round cheeks, a rosy complexion, wisps of cotton-fluff hair, squishable little melon-noggin (oh, man- conversations from the sleep deprived trenches... Kate (to Henry): "Hello, my little nugget!" H (groggily, after a solid ten second delay): "Why did you just call our son a maggot?" HAH. Fun, fun, fun.) He is impossibly difficult to latch on to the breast, fighting me every second, but eventually allowing me to lead him the right way. Stubborn, but so sweet. He fusses quite a bit, but is consoled fairly easily. And when he thinks about something, it's like you can read it over his entire face. Eyes, lips, nose, etc.-- everything works in concert to show what he's feeling (his current adorable trick is nursing in his sleep, which seems to please him to no end).



Ja.ck is all angles to Hen.ry's curves, and all darkness to Hen.ry's fair coloring. I can feel every bit of the one pound weight difference between he and his brother (J.ack was 6 lb 9 oz when he was born to Henr.y's 7 lb 13 oz). Weirdly, Ja.ck truly looks like the Fleu.ry side of the family from where he got his middle name. I missed getting the more angular eyes and the sharp upturned nose of my grandmother's family, but here it is, popping up on Jac.k's face. So weird, but so cool. He has my darker hair (so far), and the more olive complexion of that French-Cajun part of my family. He is an accomplished and eager nurser, almost never giving me any trouble latching on or eating long enough. He makes the most adorable face when he's ready to nurse, wide open fish mouth with nose all scrunched up. Ja.ck's expression is almost all in his eyes. When he is awake and calmly alert, he almost always looks like he's running intense calculations in his head, like he's got three hundred things to figure out before lunch (which I guess he kind of does, being new to this whole ex utero world...). He doesn't fuss as much as his brother, but MAN, when he gets going, it can be a real task to slow him down. He wants to suckle almost constantly, which isn't so bad, except that on occasion, I like to do things without having a baby attached to my breast! He is just precious, my little peanut.



So yes. There is so much more to say, but I should really try to sleep (I'm a little wired tonight for some reason. I just can't seem to settle down. Not good when I know there's a feeding on the way soon!).

If you've made it through the early days before, please tell me it gets better/easier (lie to me if you have to...), or at least share with me one or two things that made life better, or even in retrospect what you would have done differently, or what you would have appreciated more about these early days. Perspective is hard to come by sometimes! I know things will get better, but it's just hard sometimes...

Ch-ch-ch-changes

You might notice that things look a little different around here. And if you happen to have stopped by in the last couple of days, you may have found that you couldn't get into my blog without a password. This isn't because I suddenly decided that I hate my readers or that I have an immediate need for privacy in light of my new family additions (though I can now understand why so many blog friends have chosen to go password-protected after giving birth).

Someone, some malicious piece of shit, anonymously sent a link to one of my posts to a colleague of H's, wherein I, in a fit of pregnancy-induced ugliness, said some not-so-nice, and ultimately, not-so-accurate things about said colleague. This "someone" sent the link in such a way that it possibly could have gone to his entire department, though I'm not necessarily sure about that.

I don't know whether some random person was just reading through my archives and happened to find this post and somehow determine where H works, and put two-and-two together, and then choose to irrevocably hurt not just me, but also H and his (innocent) co-worker. It's possible. Or it's also possible that one of my regular readers managed to determine where H works and decided to share my blog with H's co-workers out of some sort of messed up need to hurt me (not so likely, but you can't be sure). But more likely is that someone I know in real life somehow found my blog and decided for some reason to cause me as much personal harm as possible at a time when I was otherwise (blissfully happy, but) stressed to the point of breaking by adjustment to being a first-time mother of twins. I have my suspicions about who that person could be, and she already has a special corner of hell reserved for her for all of the shitty, judgmental assholery. But most hurtful is that I don't know for sure who this person is, and thus, this space has been compromised.

I don't know what outcome this "someone" had in mind, whether it was just to hurt me, or to possibly hurt H, or to take away my sense of security and (relative) privacy I felt in being a part of this online community via my blog, but regardless, the actual outcome is that I don't know exactly what to do with this space. Do I password-protect? Begin blogging absurdly anonymously, lie about my identity, leave out important details, to protect my husband and children? Do I just start a new blog elsewhere and closely guard who is given the link?

Or do I just give this "someone" a giant FUCK YOU and just keep blogging here as I always have? (Oh, and if it hasn't been implied already, "Someone", if you are reading this, FUCK YOU, you malicious piece of shit.)

I don't know how to answer that just yet.

Bear with me while I make some adjustments. Meanwhile, my archives have been relocated to a password-protected space. I know how helpful it was for me to be able to read other people's stories when I was on the TTC roller coaster, and so I really didn't want to delete them altogether, but I needed to be able to find a way to keep any identifying information about myself that could possibly be contained in these posts from remaining public. Again, I don't know exactly what I will do, but after I have more time (what, 4 or 5 years from now? Maybe?), I will likely start moving some of the archives back to a public space.

For now, I leave up the last two posts as a reminder that even when humans prove to be the shittiest of creatures, throughout it all, and in spite of actions taken in an effort to prove otherwise, love fills us up, and spills over into every part of our lives, and overcomes even the worst kinds of meanness and spite and malice. These sweet boys remind me of this, even when they're wailing at 3:00 a.m. and I'm cross-eyed with exhaustion and confusion, and H is managing to sleep through it all (HOW does he do this???)-- They stop the insane crying for just long enough to stare at you, and you see that they know you, and they are somehow comforted by the fact that they do, and it kind of seems like nothing else really matters all that much.


He.nry

Jac.k

So yes. Changes coming. Bear with me just a bit longer as I sort this all out.

All you need is...

I swear there's a birth story coming at some point (though it isn't all that exciting-- walk in, get numb, take babies out, sew Kate up...), but for now, I just have to say that there's not much better than spending your day napping in bed with an adorable, sleep-heavy squeaking little dough-lump snuzzling on your chest. Except the fact that this one is yours to keep. And that later, you get to do the same thing, only with his brother. Sigh. I truly can't remember a time feeling this much happiness and love. I feel so incredibly lucky.

I can't honestly say I know a whole lot about what it's like to endure lengthy and tragic treatments and procedures, to be truly and utterly beaten down by infertility (again, we are so lucky to have been so quickly and accurately diagnosed the first time) but I can say that if I had any advice for my friends still in the trenches, it would be that based on feeling what I feel right now, it's all worth it. The years of not knowing and struggling to concieve without an RE, and then dealing with the appointments and scheduling and painful procedures and injections, the "what if"s and doubts and emotional fuckery-- all of it is nothing compared to this bliss. Perhaps I would feel differently if my treatment story had been longer or more wrought with intense tragedy and pain and disappointment and expense-- I don't know. But I do know that from this side of things, I would race back in time to tell my year-ago self (or two or three or seven-year-ago self) that this is THE BEST. The absolute best. And it is truly my biggest wish for all of my bloggy friends to find bliss lke this at the end of their journey (even if parenthood isn't your eventual end). It is just so much better and more amazing than I ever imagined it could be. And this happiness should belong to everyone.

Sigh. Let me stop myself before I begin singing Kum Bah Ya... Besides, The Beatles said all of this better than I ever could:
"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."

Love, love, love...

Yep, yep, yep!

They're here!

A million things to say, but right now, I am so absurdly, eye-crossingly tired that it'll have to wait until another time.

BUT, without delay, I wanted to share a picture of the two most adorable babies in the world:

Henry Schee.rer W. on the left, Jack Fle.ury on the right.

I'm in love already.