Tuesday, June 22, 2010


You might notice that things look a little different around here. And if you happen to have stopped by in the last couple of days, you may have found that you couldn't get into my blog without a password. This isn't because I suddenly decided that I hate my readers or that I have an immediate need for privacy in light of my new family additions (though I can now understand why so many blog friends have chosen to go password-protected after giving birth).

Someone, some malicious piece of shit, anonymously sent a link to one of my posts to a colleague of H's, wherein I, in a fit of pregnancy-induced ugliness, said some not-so-nice, and ultimately, not-so-accurate things about said colleague. This "someone" sent the link in such a way that it possibly could have gone to his entire department, though I'm not necessarily sure about that.

I don't know whether some random person was just reading through my archives and happened to find this post and somehow determine where H works, and put two-and-two together, and then choose to irrevocably hurt not just me, but also H and his (innocent) co-worker. It's possible. Or it's also possible that one of my regular readers managed to determine where H works and decided to share my blog with H's co-workers out of some sort of messed up need to hurt me (not so likely, but you can't be sure). But more likely is that someone I know in real life somehow found my blog and decided for some reason to cause me as much personal harm as possible at a time when I was otherwise (blissfully happy, but) stressed to the point of breaking by adjustment to being a first-time mother of twins. I have my suspicions about who that person could be, and she already has a special corner of hell reserved for her for all of the shitty, judgmental assholery. But most hurtful is that I don't know for sure who this person is, and thus, this space has been compromised.

I don't know what outcome this "someone" had in mind, whether it was just to hurt me, or to possibly hurt H, or to take away my sense of security and (relative) privacy I felt in being a part of this online community via my blog, but regardless, the actual outcome is that I don't know exactly what to do with this space. Do I password-protect? Begin blogging absurdly anonymously, lie about my identity, leave out important details, to protect my husband and children? Do I just start a new blog elsewhere and closely guard who is given the link?

Or do I just give this "someone" a giant FUCK YOU and just keep blogging here as I always have? (Oh, and if it hasn't been implied already, "Someone", if you are reading this, FUCK YOU, you malicious piece of shit.)

I don't know how to answer that just yet.

Bear with me while I make some adjustments. Meanwhile, my archives have been relocated to a password-protected space. I know how helpful it was for me to be able to read other people's stories when I was on the TTC roller coaster, and so I really didn't want to delete them altogether, but I needed to be able to find a way to keep any identifying information about myself that could possibly be contained in these posts from remaining public. Again, I don't know exactly what I will do, but after I have more time (what, 4 or 5 years from now? Maybe?), I will likely start moving some of the archives back to a public space.

For now, I leave up the last two posts as a reminder that even when humans prove to be the shittiest of creatures, throughout it all, and in spite of actions taken in an effort to prove otherwise, love fills us up, and spills over into every part of our lives, and overcomes even the worst kinds of meanness and spite and malice. These sweet boys remind me of this, even when they're wailing at 3:00 a.m. and I'm cross-eyed with exhaustion and confusion, and H is managing to sleep through it all (HOW does he do this???)-- They stop the insane crying for just long enough to stare at you, and you see that they know you, and they are somehow comforted by the fact that they do, and it kind of seems like nothing else really matters all that much.


So yes. Changes coming. Bear with me just a bit longer as I sort this all out.


Melis.sa said...

i second the FUCK YOU to whoever is messing with you and your family right now.

The boys are sooooo adorable Kate!!

AL said...

Omigod, I would be LIVID. Who does that?!!! Yes, FUCK THEM!

adorable photos of your boys.

Marie said...

I say fuck em. Fuck em all. You have two ADORABLE babies so they can suck it. I do hope to keep reading along with you. I am so excited to hear funny twin stories. So please include me if you move or whatever, but I wouldn't let someone back you into a corner!!

Marie said...

Oh and for the sleeping thing? Conner can put his fingers up his father's nose and he STILL sleeps..or pretends to sleep, I am not really sure. All I know is I handle most of the wake up calls even when Eric is home at night..sigh.

Serah B. said...

I'm really, really pissed on your behalf...WTF?!?

And what's with dads being able to sleep through all manner of baby related chaos? My husband has this same skill. The only good thing about it is it means a least one of us is functional in the morning. My boy JUST started sleeping through the night about a month ago--and he's almost 2.

Anonymous said...

arg. i hate this shit. you may remember i had a weirdo read my entire blog and eventually make me feel so unsafe that i had to switch locations all together. i still have bad feelings about it.

the decision is hard....but i'll be there to follow your story...password or not :)

and the boys are super cute. :)


Rachel said...

How awful. Really, really awful. Your blog is important, but nothing should take away from your focus on BABIES right now, so by all means use whatever time-saving device you need to get back to snuggling babies.

loribeth said...

That's horrible. :(

But your boys are adorable. : )

Tracy said...

And THAT is exactly why I went PWP. Because there are some mean fuckers out there, and when it's just me, *maybe* I can take it, but when they're fucking with my kids, HELLLLLL NO.

And no, you don't hear that language from me very often, but yes, I am pissed.


Anyway, GORGEOUS boys.

Sue said...

Sorry about the shit stirring. Your boys are absolutely beautiful - thanks for sharing more photos!

Alexicographer said...

Oh, ugh.

I don't know what the answer is. I missed you and am glad to see you back.

I know I've said it before but now I'm going to say it again: your sons are adorable. What utter charmers.

amy said...

Omg- so now I'm totally scared that you might think it was me somehow, since I was reading your archives the other day and commented on one. I swear it wasn't, obviously, I am not a malicious piece of shit.

Also, this is giving me serious anxiety attacks- I'm so paranoid about privacy and this makes me want to password protect in a bad way.

Not to make this all about me...sorry.

The boys are ADORABLE! And I feel like I say this a lot, but you are the only reason I have even the smallest bit of faith in this all working out. Thanks for sharing your life with us and trusting in the good of people. So sorry this happened to you. Fucking assholes.

Circus Princess said...

What kind of SHIT-SANDWICH would do that?? I'm sorry you have to deal with morons, and I second, third... 20th that "FUCK YOU"!!

Your sons are absolutely adorable!

Anonymous said...

All of the above and then some. Don't worry about the blog. We've got your back. Spend your time with your adorably handsome sons.

Brandy said...

Wow some people are true douchebags. I'm so sorry!

The babies are adorable!


Anna said...

Hi, I've been reading your blog for many months now. I was searching for infertility blogs and found yours. I don't think I've ever commented before (I'm shy) but I always wanted to at least congratulate you and your husband on your boys once they were born. So, congratulations! :) they are gorgeous!

Anyway, I also blog in Icelandic and my blog is password protected and only for about 20 people to read. A few months back my husband's ex-girlfriend emailed me saying that someone had actually left the link AND the password to my blog on HER blog and written how we are dealing with infertility, donor sperm and so on .... her blog is wide open and a lot (and I mean A LOT) of people my husband knows may very well have read it. So, that was fun ...

Samantha said...

Focus on those little bundles of joy waking you up at all hours of the day and night... that's all the love and stress that you need. And good luck getting H to hear them crying. My husband never seems to hear my son!

Good luck deciding what to do with your blog and figuring out where to go from here.

luxzia said...

Ah yeah... this is often why I don't say anything on the interwebs at all anymore... other than the occasional comment on facebook or twitter.

I'm sorry sweetie - what a shit time someone picked to be an ass.

hugs (and soon coffee) from sf

Christina said...

I'd also like to say a big "fuck you" to whoever did that too! Seriously, get a life!

And those boys are just too cute, just so freaking cute!

Star said...

How awful!! Some part of me just doesn't want to believe that people can be so shitty, even though I know it happens all the time. The first days of motherhood are such an emotional time too ... could she not have waited a month? Anyway, so sorry that this happened!

PJ said...

Wow. Seriosly, someone needs to get a life! So sorry. Ugh.

I am such the emotional postpartum mess. The part where the babies seem to KNOW you, got me all choked up and teary eyed. It's exactly like that with my girls. That my voice alone can make them stop crying puts me in awe. And the staring up into my eyes with that look of contentment and wonder, just makes me melt.

Your boys are absolutely beautiful!

the Babychaser: said...

This seems like a reasonable short-term solution to your problem. At least it allows you to keep writing while not spending all your (spare?) time trying to "scrub" old posts.

One of the most amazing/surprising things for me about my babies is how much they love me. I am the center of their universe, and J told me a couple of days ago that they light up when they see me. It's awesome.

Your boys are so beautiful. Can't wait to read more about them. Hopefully they will learn to accept the need for morning naps UNLIKE DEX WHO IS WAKING UP AGAIN RIGHT NOW!!!! (Yes, I often find myself telling him "Mommy knows better than you--you really do need a nap.")

Photogrl said...

I am just SO angry for you! WHO does something like that!?! And at this time???

Someone who is obviously miserable, and should be.

I've been thinking about going PWP as the birth of these babies draws closer...but like you, I remember how reading so many others stories really helped me believe that maybe, someday, I'd have a success story to tell. *sigh* It's a hard decision.

Whatever you decide, we understand.

Now, the fun part...your 2 boys are absolutely ADORABLE! Seriously.

Kara said...

Yes, they can totally SUCK IT! It's a horrible feeling to have your personal space compromised. I am sorry that you had to experience such a horrible level of negativity at one of the most positive times in your life. Love is strong and thus prevails and I agree - yes a very special place reserved in the hottest corner of hell.

Sorry Sweetie - Hang in there - XOXO Kara

Wishing 4 One said...

I hundreth the F u man! What losers, what spiteful pieces if human excrement I swear! As you know my blog is anonymous, but I don't know too many asshats in real life, I don't think, but I like it this way. Heck only my dad knows my url, no irl friends either. Anyway, how cute and adorbale and gorgeous are those boys girl? Just beautiful you are so lucky. xoxox

annacyclopedia said...

I've been loving the photos here and elsewhere but don't think I've actually commented here on the blog yet. They are so, so beautiful, and I am so, so happy for you and H.

Your package is still here - it's in my car, just haven't made it to the damn post office yet. Hope the little things will still fit your boys by the time it arrives.

I'm thinking of you often and I hope things are going really well for you four. It can be a slog, the early days, but it does get easier, or actually it's more like you just get more competent so it doesn't matter as much how hard it is. I'm sure you are rocking the whole motherhood thing hard, as you do with all things.

And yes, fuck the losers who are screwing with you!

Shelly said...

I was SAD when I thought you went private (for good!)....I love following your blog! The boys are precious!

Flying Monkeys said...

That's so crappy. I'm sorry someone did that.

JJ said...

Dude. NOT cool. GRRR, this makes me incredibly angry for you, especially since Ive gotten to know you and your sweet hubby. Grrr, again.

But seriously, Kate. The boys? Delish. They are adorable. And you look great!
As far as c-section stuff: I was always given standard 6 weeks for all activity.

Cant wait to see them in person sometime soon!